Tina: My daughter, she’s already super into it, like she can tell when you have makeup on and stuff. I did a photoshoot for something and I came home and I had like a full face of makeup and big false eyelashes on, and I got home just in time to put her to bed; and I was putting her to bed and she was looking at me, checking it out, and then I went in there the next morning when she woke up and first thing she says she goes, “Mommy, you beautiful.” And I was like, it’s the sweetest thing ever. And then, I swear to you, she looked at me again she goes, “Oh no, you not beautiful. Where is your makeups?” I was like, “Well I had to wash it off.” and she goes, “Oh.” She kind of talks to me like an abusive boyfriend. If I have my hair up in a ponytail, she’d get super close to me and go, [whispering] “I don’t like that ponytail.” She’s pretty harsh.
Liz: I’m really sorry about what I did. And I know you can’t forgive me but just to even things out, here is all my weird secret stuff. I have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went to clown college. I get super nervous whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner because when I was a kid, my mom used to turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and my dad fighting. Which is why I rarely vacuum my apartment. Like, never. I have had three doughnuts so far today. Once in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a country steaks all you can eat buffet and I didn’t leave until I finished my second plate of shrimp. A couple months ago, I went on a date with my cousin. Wow, I am a mess. There is an 80% chance that in the next election I will tell all my friends that I’m voting for Barack Obama but I will secretly vote for John McCain. Here’s one: when I was a kid, I used to put on my fanciest nightgown and then I would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne glass and I would sit in the dark and watch The Love Boat. Consequently, I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher from The Love Boat. And I lied. I have had five doughnuts today. So, uhm… That’s my deal. Now we’re even.
30 Rock, 1x18 Fireworks
Tina Fey is my lifespiration. Goddamn, I mean just fucking look at her. Bitch has more Emmys than you do pairs of shoes and enough confidence to make-up for everyone’s sorry-ass pathetic ways. Basically, everything she does is the shit. She goes on a fucking talk show and it’s funnier than an entire season of Two and a Half Men. Her daughter is cooler than your imaginary best friends. She wolves down her Teamster Sub for you and it’s hotter than fireworks on the Fourth of July. She shouts BITCH IS THE NEW BLACK and my feminist pride is going yowza. Bow down to this broad, because really, she’s the female comedian of the decade. Oh, and watch 30 Rock, because it won all of those awards for a reason.